HOW TO SPOT A MANIPULATOR – Specifically type covert & grandiose. These covert types can be difficult to spot as they are snakes in the grass and do their work under the radar. Oftentimes, one might even judge the manipulator as either ignorant, plain stupid, or having a complete lack of self-awareness. However, make no mistake, on some level they are completely aware of how to manipulate you in such a low-key manner that you don’t even know it is happening; they rely on an individual’s desire to see the good in others.
Throughout my life I have encountered many people who have been able to manipulate me into thinking they were something they were not. After my last relationship with one of these types, which ended 4 years ago, I vowed that I would never be a victim again; this meant getting educated.
Two years ago, I went back to college to get a Masters degree in Educational Psychology. Educational Psychology is focused on how humans acquire knowledge coupled with the developmental psychology behind knowledge acquisition.
In leu of that, Let’s do it; So, what behavioral patterns and characteristics are present in manipulative individuals? From the information and observations, I have been collecting for the last 4 years, I have made a list of 8 characteristics that may indicate you are dealing with a manipulator.
While some individuals may have all of the characteristics, others may only have a large majority of them. Make no mistake though, these are indicators that you might want to steer clear. This has been an interesting and informative journey.
1 – STATEMENTS OF ACCOMPLISHMENT & GRANDIOSITY WITH NO EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT THEM. This is the person who consistently boasts their knowledge, superiority, accomplishments & status, however, there is a lack of supportive evidence.
If you communicate with an individual regularly and they consistently boast about accomplishments that do not make sense or align with their behavior, level of comprehension, appearance, or other factors, then it is time to investigate. You can do this by researching them on the internet or asking probing questions of people who are “NEAR, but NOT IN their inner circle. Manipulators have an inner circle of enablers who are also demented, delusional and mentally ill, these people have allowed the manipulator to continue their behaviors. This happens frequently in toxic family systems and workplaces.
This is not the same as the self-fulfilling theory however, as the grandiose mother fucker isn’t going to become accomplished by saying they are accomplished. They have learned that most people do not look for evidence and will continue to garner recognition and accomplishment the lazy way which is to run their fat mouth about it until number 2 occurs.
2 – THE USE OF LANGUAGE REPETITION. The human brain acquires knowledge in many ways; repetition is one of them. For example, when you study for a test, you might use flash cards to memorize the information; or if you are learning a new skill you, you do the task repeatedly until your brain forms a task set list which is retrievable. This allows you to do the task efficiently without even thinking about it. When an individual uses repetitive type statements and language in your presence your brain will begin to accept that what you are hearing is real or true; IOW bias is formed.
In the case of the manipulator, they will CONSISTENTLY speak the same narrative, tell the same stories, and make the same SELF-AGGRANDIZING statements. You will believe what they are telling you and not even realize that you have formed this bias. An example is that you ask someone if they know Tom, and they say “yeah, he’s a good guy.” You then ask them why Tom is a good guy and they cannot tell you, they can only say that he “IS” a good guy. I was married to a man who consistently mentioned how helpful he was. I did not think to question this because why would someone say these things if they were not true. I had never seen him be helpful and had not heard he was particularly helpful, but because of his melodic repetitions I thought “what a helpful man”. The truth was that he was neither helpful nor unhelpful, but I am sure his idealized version of himself would have liked him to be helpful. HOWEVER, an individuals idealized version of themself is NOT based in reality.
Once you suspect or have GUT INSTINCT that there may be some type of MIS-MATCH, you will of course, need to collect EVIDENCE, but also BECOME A KEEN OBSERVER. The manipulative individual will NOT enact behaviors which match their narrative and self-aggrandizing statements.
3 – In the midst of their language repetition, they will make CONSISTENT CONTRADICTORY STATEMENTS once they think that you have bought their bullshit. You know the situation, someone has said one thing, then the next day they say the opposite thing; it leaves you scratching your head a bit. Didn’t they say X, Y, Z last week? An example is that someone tells you how wonderful their marriage is & that their husband allows them to do whatever they want, but in another conversation tells you that their husband forces them to work overtime and only allows them Pennies of their own money. THEY HAVE NO ABILITTY TO BE HONEST WITH THEMSELVES OR YOU; their whole “SELF” is in contradiction. This is a highly dysfunctional and dysregulated individual.
4 – Their belief that THEY ARE MORALLY SUPERIOR TO OTHERS; There is no indication that they even “MIGHT” have room for improvement relating to personal growth regarding their personality. The suggestion is that they are morally SUPERIOR to others. An example is that in a relationship, one partner makes suggestions on how the other can improve, but NEVER indicates that they may be problematic. Another example is you pour your heart out to someone regarding some negative emotions you feel about past or current behaviors and are looking for some type of reassurance or relational connection and they tell you they have never felt or behaved in way X, Y, Z.
HEAR THIS; ANY individual who cares about your true well-being, will try to relate to you in a way that makes you feel as though you are equals, they will NOT try to elevate themselves or indicate they are superior to you in areas of normal human development. IOW, they will EXPLOIT their GRANDIOSITY rather than RELATE.
There will be a complete lack of ability to relate because they cannot self-reflect or accept accountability. The individual will make excuses for all of their negative behaviors with the prominent reason for their behaviors being altruism. Everything they do is because they are a selfless good person.
5 – The ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF EVERYONE THEY KNOW or have crossed paths with is the result of having known them. They will consistently take OWNERSHIP of the accomplishments of other people. Examples are an individual saying that someone runs marathons because of them. This can be tricky because I am sure that because I run marathons, I may have inadvertently inspired others to run marathons, however, they didn’t run the marathon because of me; they ran it because they felt inspired and did the work. The grandiose person is stating that “the other person would have NEVER run anything if it wasn’t for THEM”; IOW, the grandiose manipulator believes that no one would be anything or accomplish anything if it wasn’t for their existence.
That shit is fucked up BOLD.
6 – THEY MUST TELL OTHERS ABOUT THEIR GOOD DEEDS; AKA, the GLORY-HOG. This behavior can be enacted in many ways; one way is that they manipulate situations in order to elevate their value while decreasing the value of others. An example is that I once worked with a tech who would sit around doing nothing until one of my call lights went off. She would then spring up from her seat to get my call light and announce to everyone that she got my call light. She did not engage in her own call lights as that would not garner her kudos. She got my call lights so she could declare how altruistic she was, which, in turn, made me like I wasn’t doing my job. A second way that individuals do this is to consistently and without fault make people aware of their altruistic deeds. We all know at least a few of these. Every single thing they do for someone else is profoundly announced to the masses. The act is then not done out of selflessness but is done to gain recognition, validation, and accolades.
7 – A CONSTANT NEED FOR VALIDATION – We all like to be validated in some type of way, it feels good, however, a manipulative person would need this in unhealthy amounts and/or be presented with the validation in an unhealthy manner. Not providing the required validation, whether good or bad will result in punishment. IOW, PAY ATTENTION TO ME OR I WILL MAKE YOU SUFFER.
8 – Lastly, and perhaps the most disturbing characteristic is that these individuals LACK ANY TYPE OF FIRE OR DESIRE. This is the hardest characteristic to describe with language. However, once you witness it and fully realize it, you won’t be able to UN-SEE it in people. It is not the woman who likes to sit at home with her cats, the man who just wants to drink beer in his chair, or those who like a simple life. It is much DEEPER than that. There is an EMPTINESS in the individual.
This is also referred to as UNCANNY VALLEY. Uncanny valley is a psychological response, such as uneasiness, which is elicited by real human beings in the presence of something that only “resembles” a human being. In addition to lack of desire and uncanny valley, you may even pity them and not understand why. This pity, in turn, allows them to even further manipulate you.
Manipulators count on human emotions such as sympathy, empathy, and pity as the platforms for their initial manipulations; however, it is not because they can relate, it is because they know that people who exhibit those emotions strongly are easier to manipulate.
ALAS, I no longer display any feelings outwardly which could be considered to be “edible” anymore; save those for people who are proven to deserve them. The real bottom line is that we only “think” we know people, when in reality, we don’t. Look beyond the surface…….ALWAYS.
I Do What I WAUNT 
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